So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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