dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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