In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
