all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
