Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
