Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
