Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
