Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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