I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
