Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
