I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
