You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
