shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
