Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
