seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
