the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think a kid would responsible me up
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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