if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
