Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I touched a dick in church today
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