I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
