we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
