Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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