I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
