i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
