I can't watch pbs sober anymore
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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