For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
