I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You're a waste of cheezeits
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
