I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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