Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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