I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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