hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
