Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
