There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
