All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
