Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
