I can text with my tongue
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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