i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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