i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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