Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
