Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
