Jerry, you need to find god
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
