I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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