He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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