At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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