I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
