the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
