I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
