He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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