the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
