So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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