just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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