This is not my ceiling
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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